Vulnerability is Power | Things I'm Scared to Admit
This is a blog topic I’ve found myself continuously adding and erasing on my content calendar. I always preach authenticity and try to show you guys the real me… but, admitting your flaws and short-comings and failures can be really hard. As someone who really believes in trying to showcase real life through business and all the struggles that come with that, I decided today to sit down and actually write it and be totally transparent and real with you guys about some of the biggest issues I have been struggling with as an entrepreneur (and just in general) and things I’ve always been scared to admit.
1. I struggle with terrible money mindset issues
This is something that bothers me every single day and to be totally frank, I have a really terrible relationship with money. I read all the books, listen to all the podcasts, and honestly am in good shape financially… but I have deep-rooted beliefs from my childhood that constantly make me associate money with stress.
Every time I spend money I find myself trying to justify my purchase (even if it’s a business purchase) which leads to panic attacks on a regular basis over money. It all boils down to security, and knowing I’m the one who pays the bills without any help, and a fear of not being able to do so. I’m trying hard to adopt a mindset of seeing money as a resource and a tool—not some terrible, bad thing. I am working on fixing and nurturing my relationship with money daily to switch from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset. It’s definitely a work in progress, but 100% something holding me back in so many ways (and exhausting me).
2. I have horrible anxiety
Anyone who has known me for a long time knows this, but I have terrible anxiety. It’s something I’ve dealt with since I was around five years old, when it stemmed from having separation anxiety from my mom when she was in the hospital battling cancer.
I took medicine for it most of my teenage and adult life, but in the last year have been working to try to implement mindfulness and meditation to help control it (totally not advocating against medicine here guys, this is just something I wanted to try since I hadn’t been WITHOUT anxiety meds for 7+ years).
I worry about a lot of things others think are silly, have irrational fears, and fixate on little things, but it is something that I have gotten way better at dealing with over the years. I had to really, really accept that this is something that could hold me back in business and I do absolutely everything in my power to make sure that never happens. Starting a business is actually what allowed me to finally go off of my anxiety medicine for good and really allowed me to let myself FEEL the feelings I felt and acknowledge them and then let them fleet.
3. I haven’t even slightly perfected the work/ life balance
Being totally honest, I kind of suck at making new friends. Most of my best friends are friends I’ve had from back home, growing up with them for 10+ years, and I’ve moved twice since graduating college to new places. Since moving to Raleigh and starting my business, I’ve really struggled with making new friends and meeting new people. I have a hard-time stepping away from work during the week and being able to justify spending time away from my computer.
I’ve met AMAZING people here and made friendships I really want to nurture, but I know I need to do more on my end to do just that. It’s something I’ve really been trying to do better at in the last few weeks- and I’m really trying to figure out how to balance life in between owning a business, spending time with my family that’s here, nurturing new and old friendships, and truly investing time in my relationship with my boyfriend… and taking care of a super hyper 3-year-old dalmatian.
4. I’m worried others don’t think I work enough/ do enough
This is something that weighs really heavy on me and something I literally will lose sleep over. I have this constant fear that anytime I show something I’m doing, people think I should be working or that I am not working enough.
I will be the first to admit, I am a recovering workaholic. I would work 12 to 16 hour days every single day of the week when building my business. I truly glorified the hustle and being busy and prioritized my business over every other thing in my life. It led to me gaining weight, sacrificing my self-care, losing sleep, never having fun, and spiraled into so many other areas of my life.
Now, I am finally in a place where I grant myself more time to actually enjoy life. I still work my 40 hours a week as I would with a normal 9-5, but somedays that looks a little different. Somedays if the weather is nice I’ll go on a hike and work in the evening, somedays I sleep in, I have given myself permission to really try to enjoy the flexibility of being an entrepreneur… because that’s why I did this damn thing!
But, before I show that I’m hiking or show what I’m up to in life, I have a constant guilt feeling. Like “they’re gonna wonder why I never work, how I have money to do this, x,y,z.” This became incredibly present when I was traveling out of the country this month. The first trip I took was totally for work, and the second for pleasure. I hadn’t taken a real vacation in YEARS, and I was so excited. But, almost the entirety of both of my trips, I spent it feeling so bad for taking that trip. I still was waking up early to check my email and do work. I have trouble disconnecting because I am so scared my clients will be disappointed in me. I also have a fear that they will think I have this crazy lucrative income and that I have all kinds of money to blow.
5. I feel like if I talk about my success others will think I’m bragging
I think I have a really relatable story and try to showcase that, but also shy away from ever really sharing my successes. I built a business from the ground-up, completely by myself, and was able to go full-time within 6 months. I worked my ass off. I put in the time. BUT, I’m scared that if I share my story, and how I got here, it will come across the wrong way or seem as if I am bragging.
I am so thankful for what I have created and I know that everyone else is at a different part of their journey. I always preach to others to not compare your beginning to someone else’s middle, or end. All of our journeys, timelines, and stories are different.
While I try to totally be sensitive to that, I haven’t given myself the credit I deserve in what I’ve created and built, even through some trying times. That is an area of self-love I truly want to improve on.
